how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
Everyone needs a good pregnancy scare in their life.
there's nothing like watching the sun rise at the library alone on a friday morning to make you want to kill yourself.
she told me that she was curious about how cum tasted. of course i left you.
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
I got to find out the airplane alcohol limit, and somehow I made it through the flight.
Worst ten minutes of my life, it's was like trying to put a marshmallow in a piggy bank....
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
So, I'm either with my future life partner or my future life taker. And his brother. lol. I'll let you know when I get home alive.
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
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