I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
so let's talk penis.
operation have a gay friend backfired
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
You're going to have to tell him your name isn't Ivor McTruckson eventually.
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
I want a grilled cheese and an IV
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
I'd rather be sodomized with a fullly decorated Christmas tree.
he'll always be the guy that i fucked on the bathroom floor
Nothing kills the mood like him going to slap my ass and he hits his balls at the same time
Our prom king just sent me a dick pic. I know it's 10 years later but I feel like I've finally made it.
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
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