Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
morning outfit: hottub soaked skirt. no underwear. someone's bandanna worn as a shirt. took me an hour to walk home. this isn't fun anymore.
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
Class is significantly more awkward when you know that your teacher knows what you look like with your legs behind your head... Just saying.
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
We have to have sex twice when i get back. I miss you sex, and thank god the nhl lockout is over sex. I will happily let you wear your sharks jersey during it and i will wear my ducks jersey, and it will be mad rivalry sex.
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
I don't care. She's the only girl to make me feel like my face is melting when she blows me.
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
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