I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
after last night my drinking related hospital bracelet collection is up to 13
i told you that I felt like my feet were melting into the ground and you starting blowing on them to put out the "invisible fire". thanks friend.
I HOPE YOURE READY TO KICK SOME SERIOUS ASS AT TRIVIA NIGHT TOMORROW NIGHT. also, i hope the birth of your niece goes well. BUT MOSTLY TRIVIA NIGHT.
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
I would have dumped her already but between the 4 hr bjs and our shared love of enjoying thirsty Thursday naked while watching basketball I'd say its the best shot at love ill ever have
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
If you don't wanna wax my ass just say so.
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
Randomize
