i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
I just met the neighbor hes a self proclaimed coke dealer/ softporn producer.
I'm cleaning my bathroom. That being said I found a klonopin and dropped it and stepped on it. Floor is clean im gonna snort it.
The guy in the cast riped the tap off the keg and hit steve with it
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
I'm not sure if I should be proud of you for having morals or disappointed in you for letting your sex life get this sad.
She's lucky her pussy is worth listening to her ramble about bedroom furniture for 30 minutes
I don't care if it's 2 inches or 20 I mean dick is dick
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
dollar rum and cokes, see you on the dark side of infinity
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
Randomize
