I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
want the rest of his teeth to fall out while he slowly dies alone. Pretty sure I'm to the anger phase.
i am going to show so many millionaires my nipple
I am literally the only girl who can black out and wake up pantsless and STILL be 99% sure I didn't get any.
That bar is one yeast infection away from total annihilation.
Found a popcorn kernel in my pubes... Time fir a Brazilian
NO HOOKUPS IN THE CAR. I will try as i might to practice what i preach, but there are no guarantees.
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
Randomize
