Ooooh. That's not a mole. Uncomfortable.
before i could say "i'm not that kind of girl", i was.
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
He came up to me looked at my tits said they were huge, rated them a 7 and then asked if girls really do masterbate. To make it better, he put his hand up to my face and said his penis is longer than my face...
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
Can we just talk about how the only thing I have on my camera from this weekend is a video of you putting your whole fist in your mouth hahahha
Well I took a spicy wing shit in a field this morning.
Come over. And we'll put iced coffee in the bong.
Threw up in hyvee parking lot. Thanksgiving shopping complete.
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
Love it. I wish you see me right now. I'm counting cash on my bed with no shirt on, beauty and the beast sound track on blast. Fucking creepin it up.
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