So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
Dude she looked like Jerry Garcia's knuckles
By the end of the second bowl I was making sound effects to every hand movement he made.
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
I do remember getting hit in the face by an ugly one because she thought I was blowing on her butthole.
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
in the middle of getting head my cat meowed. she looked up , meowed back, and then continued giving me head.
I can't wait for you to tell me about your sex.
It's a short, short story.
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
I need a conscience and I need it yesterday.
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
Randomize
