the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
may or may not have figured out a way to make my mom a drug mule to bring me ecstasy...
We did shots with the Tupperware consultant last night. I'd say the night was a success.
too late I already started a fight with someone named luscious
Haha no we did it on his bed. Then rolled off into the bean bag. It was a strangely athletic performance on my behalf.
Have you ever had to act sober and talk to an authority figure in a coconut bra? Because it is just as degrading as you would imagine.
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
And he listens to me when I talk to him like the hulk.
You can't die you're my only democrat family member
I had fresh baked oatmeal cookies, tacos AND was on deck to give a stellar blow job. You'd think that'd be a win/win/win situation.
it's 1:30pm and i'm eating cheese while i sext. i need hobbies
Maverick's sitting in jail wearing a turkey costume and I am soooo jealous.
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