the vast amounts of cleavage i'm sporting to my final says "no, I didn't study but don't worry I've got something lined up for when I don't graduate".
It was the first time I had seen his penis when it wasnt hard. It just looked so vulnerable and a little bit depressed.
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
No. I think its because I really and truly know that he is a moron and his future prospects are zoo animals.
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
Was my mother there when I broke the stipper pole?
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
We need a shit load of segways right now
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
We're sitting on the kitchen floor drinking and talking about mounting real light sabers to the dog's head.
Like how do you live your life and have never made a grilled cheese? The audacity of some people
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