I'm playing the sound guy on a porno set
Tickle wars 95% of the time end in sex.
My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
she just convinced the cop to buy us ice-cream sandwiches. best/worst stoned experience ever.
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
Your dick is going to fall off. Be careful or you'll get callouses. A workingman's dick.
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
I'll get tired halfway through and end up passed out at a taco shack honestly
I think he fucked my hip out of place.
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
he's spending the night tonight. if i can walk straight tomorrow i'll be pissed.
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