I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
apparently he couldn't remember my name so he refereed to me as whats-her-boobs and everyone knew that it was me he was talking about
if you are still a virgin by winter break we are throwing an aztec themed sacrifice the virgin party
As a jewish boy dating her she thinks everypart of christmas is my first time. Helllllo bj under mistletoe!!
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
I just had a sexting conversation using medieval jargon. I think he is a fine suitor.
I just wanna get drunk and watch Tarzan with you is that to much to ask?!?
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
Ugh im hungover from last night, and to top it all off, I think someone jacked my laptop.
umm ya, so we found it in the oven wrapped in a pillow case this morning
Leaving the puke on the ceiling as a reminder.
Just because your drunk doesn't mean you can stick your dick in the snow. Just a FYI
dont ever go to laser tag drunk. you will be judged.
Randomize
