So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
we got sick of 7 11 doubles so we made up a game where you just drink when anyone rolls a 5
thats barely a game just flip a coin
should we drink on heads or tails?
In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
My mom is wearing Ed Hardy. There aren't words.
Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
laughing at 16 and pregnant while fucking w/o a condom....
i always knew you were classy
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
I like that we make it a requirement to howl at the moon every time we get drunk together.
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
No it'll be my boobs and the luge part will be from my nipples. Everyone will be sucking beer from my perfectly sculpted and partially melted tits.
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
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