Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
Just shaved my vagina. It's been so long I forgot what it looked like. You need to come over right now.
i cant get the smell of ass out of my nose
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
I don't think I'd trust a marching band with trampolines to not cause serious damage to themselves/ property.
To be honest i'm almost glad he got arrested. His girlfriend and i kept making out so i'm pretty sure the alternative was a threesome. Now we're just the trashy girls who visit him in jail.
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
Although I feel like awkward kinda describes your entire sexual history...
I WANT TO. I JUST IMAGINE HIS BEAUTIFUL BLONDE HEAD INBETWEEN MY LEGS AND I BREAK DOWN AND START CRYING.
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
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