I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
Everything about him screamed your future.
there has got to be a maximum amount of semen a person can take in before they get some kind of poisoning.
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
I just set the shake weight record at the bar. 20 mins of that crap and drinking beer through a straw will get the job done. I also bet the bartender 100 bucks I could go shot for shot with him. The date for that event is TBA.
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
Everyone is speaking Spanish and this 300 hundred pound chick is talking about the time she got out of prison... Fuck this place
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
They were out of soap so you started calling yourself a dirty bitch
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
my mom walked in on me eating her out, and i can never kiss my mother again.
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