every time i send "do you want some cock" to her T9 manages to change it to "anal"...i think she's mad now
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
please come back they are interrogating me about masturbation
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
Literally had sex in his grow room under a plant.. ganja queen .
You called your ex, and talked to her for an hour about how you miss her, came back inside and asked the girl with the biggest tits if you could take a pic with your face in them and sent her the picture.
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
so i was thinking... those 6 am shots weren't really needed.
Do you think if I explain to her I want to have loud, unprotected sex with her sister she'll understand?
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