false alarm. still invincible.
...so how do you feel about living with a lesbian next year?
hhaha i just laughed out loud when i read that
is that a "i laughed because im fine with it" or "im a republican" ?
This guy just brought his piggy bank into the bar with him. Talk about corruption of childhood.
i saw his dick when we were four, so thats kind of ruined for me now
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
dude that bald bouncer just did a body shot off of brian and then kicked us out for trying to charge him for it
If people don't want my drunken phone call then TAKE YOUR FUCKING NUMER OFF OF FACEBOOK, like it's just that easy...
I really want to lead this Amish guy into temptation
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
