look to my right... shes dancing like she's playing dance dance revolution and her character is a retarded, drunken moose
And next time, don't pick a fight with me when you're naked. That's just not fair
Nick just found a baggie of 3 year old shrooms in his desk drawer and downed it all with cheap white wine. I am not on vomit duty tonight.
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
I just found out my favorite drunk show, Repo Men, is just reenactments. I can't express through words my disappointment.
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
I just sneezed glitter I JUST SNEEZED G LITTER I j u st SneeZED GLIT TER I DO NOT HAVE TIME FOR THIS AT ALL.
Some dude peed on tonys floor because drunkness
They offered him a bucket as he was peeing and he was like "Nah, I'm good"
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
Anything special planned for Valentines Day?
Does testing the strength of my coworker’s marriage count?
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