that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
I vote intervention dinner around 6, make up movie around 7:30ish, then apology drinks all night. Then hangover waffle house in the morning.
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
One of those nights had to have been when we tried to walk through the McDonald's drive through -- and then got in the car with complete strangers. And stole their hamburgers.
Like do you realize his dealer came out with a gun and we laughed like it was all just fun and games...
Most men with as many freckles as you aren't vagina magnets. You are an exception to your kind.
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
I do NOT want to date a man who has no interest in going to a kangaroo farm
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
When you wear a dress that resembles the shape and color of Kirby to a wedding, you get the attention you deserve.
Only thing exciting about him was his dick.
Randomize
