He blow dried my hair while I sucked his dick. Now THAT'S fucking teamwork.
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
Half my face is frozen, my vagina is broken, I'm wearing only gym shorts eating a plate of mashed potatoes, avatar is on my tv. There's a naked guy on my couch whose name idk. I needa talk to you asap
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
I was so exhausted I thought about using my deep throat spray to stop my coughing.
I think the old lady next to me at the bar just saw your pussy
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
I have no idea. He was just running around wearing a horse mask yelling "bumfuck" repeatedly. We figured we'd just let him get it out of his system.
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
How proud should I be that I googled "dildo with wheels" and actually got the result I wanted?
As much as I hate to admit it, some day ill need a man because I can't open jars myself and you can't 69 a dildo
Like I don't even know how to respond to this?
Every time I look at him 'Relax' by Frankie Goes to Hollywood plays in my head. Is that weird?
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