Non-Jews are for practice
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
Before we have sex for the first time I would like "eye of the tiger" to be playing to mentally prepare me for what I'm about to endure.
like I licked Molly off a boys palm last night at a bar I think its ok to eat chicken once a week
It was a fun night! I woke up with a boyfriend, again....
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
..needless to say, i got fired. But I'm in the parking lot tanning on top of your car... so its not all bad.
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
Randomize
