So he asked me last night if I would cheer him on while he masturbated...
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
Then that is decided. Fuck away my little bunny rabbit.
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator
I just know what's gonna happen. I mean. I shaved my legs up to shorts length. But I'm leaving the rest as a sort of makeshift caution tape.
Cause I know you wanna ride the D like a Vespa in ROMAN HOLIDAY
NO HE PUT HIS HAND IN HIS PANTS BEFORE HE TOUCHED THE BONG.
ILLEGAL
He is currently passed out on his toilet. Point day drinking.
I told him no rough stuff and he immediately bit my ass. Who the fuck does that?
Although the guy I'm messing around with just offered to let me be his rich brother's sugar baby
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
My apartment stinks of burning failure
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