If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
Also I got A jello shot for $2!!! It's like the forever 21 of bars
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
btw theres a pine tree in the downstairs shower. the guys thought it would be a great free air freshener.
future-me showed up mid trip and gave us a thumbs up.
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
idk wtf was in that bud but I was talking to my dead dog last night bro holy shit
Stocking up on Wasabi powder. Nobody's tampons are safe.
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
this dude is way too smart. he just explained to me the different scientific components of drugs while we smoked. i said i loved icecream.
he tied his pants around my leg to stop the bleeding... i think he just wanted a good excuse to take his pants off
well did it work?
it was a success in both ways.
well you did quote socrates while playing beer pong and then proceeded to fall down
Randomize
