I dont like him- his parents were home and he hid me in his closet like anne frank
The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
watching espn. realized that the exact place those sportcenter guys are is where I got laid on the beach last superbowl. my sex spot is broadcasted nationwide
Don't worry we did the "promise to get an abortion" handshake
Yea. I couldn't get a job in fast food but I can teach Americas youth. The future looks great
I deleted my history right in front of my girlfriend w/out her seeing. Let's go skydiving with no parachutes. I can live thru anything.
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
Get off me. I'm done. I want a cookie.
Can we go one day without you telling me that your dick misses me
we're like the harlem globetrotters of underage drinking
And also ice skating can blow me. Goodnight, love you!
I may have taken the entire adderall. I FEEL LIKE THE FUCKIN HULK. I can't stop cleaning and organizing and doing the clean things
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
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