I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
i was so drunk he made me beileve the song was called "thanksgiving sex."
Well It's time to grow up anyways, right? Now that you're graduated and have a job you can't drink uncontrollably
No. Now that I'm graduated I can drink uncontrollably at nicer bars
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
I was stumbling so much, men walking behind us were shouting "don't hit the pole! don't hit the pole!" whenever I was near a telephone pole.
He used the expression "my couch is your couch" as a come on line.
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
HOW THE FUCK IS IT POSSIBLE THAT THE JUNIOR HIGH STUDENT IS BETTER AT BEING AN ADULT THAN I AM!?!?
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
Just letting you know that your little sister is now your eskimo brother. You can send a thank you edible arrangement to Tammy.
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
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