Come on, it shouldn't be that hard NOT to suck someone's dick
i hope chris hansen doesn't have a boat
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
"I'm looking more at his dick bulge." Never thought I'd hear those words come out of my boyfriend's mouth.
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
He wants me to fart in his mouth and is offering me SOOOO much coke. I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. GIVE ME ADVICE.
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
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