yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
I should have known there'd be issues when he included "beautiful soul" in our playlist
i just put a booger in my mom's hair and i just needed to tell someone.
hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
I won't apologize to a one balled man
Fell asleep with Kristen and woke up with Sarah. It's official, vacation has begun.
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
Knowing there are different types of spiders in different countries and regions makes me never want to travel.
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
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