To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
The more I hate his personality, the more I love his penis.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
Blood. All over. Pre coke adventure needs to slow down unless I'm involved
I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.
That is was cool to fuck the single mother accross the street until every girl i bring home gets the car keyed.
I smell like a skunk, but I'm okay with that.
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
So I was laying on the couch reading a book and he texted me. All I saw was the image of him spitting on my vagina last night in the moonlight. I gagged.
Woke up with a bed full of sand...care to explain?
Isnt is self explanatory?
Randomize
