I feel like ignoring a facebook event is a lot like a pocket-veto. The only difference is instead of opposing legislation, I don't want to go to your sketchy party.
Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
you're dressed like that and you're on the rag, that's false advertisment
I don't care how ugly she is, I can't turn down a free movie +bj. In this economy that's downright irresponsible
Thats why you always identify the subtext of a blowjob before you accept it.
did you find a tooth?
did you lose one?
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
She has "Massive Shits" listed as a turn off. That's very specific and there's a story behind it I bet.
Sweet, got a date tomorrow night
You know it was one hell of a night when you need to use your own thong to wipe cum off your face.
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
im mourning your vaginas lack of frictional upkeep
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
Randomize
