so i told her that taking semen on the face helps make your skin smoother.
and?
luckily she was drunk enough to believe she had really bad acne...
Not too sure about the toy story pull ups. The kids point to their crotch all day and say woody.
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
there's still three solo cups of your puke in my basement. so that needs to be solved at some point.
Like wrapping my dick in silk, wrapping that in velvet, and putting it in a cloud. A warm, tight, wet cloud.
I don't think I can recall what a 23 year old cock felt like if one slapped me in the face.
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
He literally poured blue Gatorade on me after we had sex and said "good game" all over my white sheets
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
Is it bad that if I found out I couldn't have kids I'd be more pissed that I've been using unnecessary condoms than the fact that I'll never be a mother?
no, it was more of an i-don't-think-he-even-knows-what-a-clitoris-is, bad.
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
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