i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
Wait, we're on the hunt for addys and explosives. They're both in this house somewhere.
I've made out with men from every corner of the globe. Sex-wise, I've almost conquered europe. Take that napoleon
Ya I painted "STOP TRYING ANAL" on her headboard. I'm sick of listening to her whine through the wall and bitch the next day.
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
HIGH AS FUCK. JUST WATCHED THE TRIPPIEST VIDEO EVER. IM NOT SCARED OF PANDAS. I GOTTA GO. TRIPPIN AGAIN
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
Randomize
