Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
Nah, lets use your guy, my drug dealer is going all pineapple express on me
then we talked for a little and he asked my last name which since I have yet to get a fb request I'm 95% sure its for a restraining order
i can barely draw a stick figure let alone shave a heart into my pubes
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been.
I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears.
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
i don't know how to react to you in a diaper crying and calling a football 'sadie'.
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
I dipped out before he woke up, but I made sure to take the pizza with me.
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
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