and then you went into taco bell without pants...and surprisingly you weren't the only one there without pants
After a valiant attempt at golf, I think it's time for Tiger to go back to doing what he does best- having sex w/ blond, white women.
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
THIS NIGHT WILL NOT GO DICKLESS
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
I feel strange, like something is off with my body
Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
I don't remember much from my 21st, but my mom said I insisted on the fat guy taking body shots off me
I swear every time I see him he's either dancing or trying to touch people
This place is full of unfortunate mustaches.
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
So i just remembered that thing i use to do with your butt because of shark week.
Randomize
