I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
It's when I'm in my pajamas and in need of a gin delivery that I miss NYC most of all.
She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
Dude, had to, it's Canada Day, I fucked her for Canada. Seriously, I put my Canadian flag on my bed and fucked her on it.
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
It's like I opened a door and behind it lay mythical creatures sprinklin fairy dust upon the land leading me to a pot of gold. And that gold is some delicious cock.
I'm hiding in a cabinet. I'm going to stay here.
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
Do you think there are two dudes living in an apartment somewhere that go to the store and call it Brocery shopping?
Oh god...probably.
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
Bro. I traded my coat. I have a Raiders coat now.
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
Randomize