theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
I just left during the middle of Chemistry to go throw up in the bathroom....and you laughed at my travel toothbrush.
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
I am not saying a eulogy for your vibrator.
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
I thinking of taking all of the pics of his dick that he's sent me and making a calendar.
I just found a wine bottle in my shower. Must have been a good night.
Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
Can't find my wig, my underwear, or my dignity. Halloween 2016
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
Naptime over. I've got fresh contacts and tequila. RAAAAAAGE!
it's my fake id's birthday. i'm wearing a hat, and i have a beard. i'm untouchable. TO THE BARS!
Randomize
