Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
She said her first boyfreind was so small she is still technically a virgin.
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
I'm promising sexual favors in return for his responsible life decisions. Now THIS is growing up.
since when did our medecine drawer and our sex drawer become the same drawer? we now have lube covered cough drops.
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
He puked in the middle of it and I still wasn't disappointed.
Clothing is a burden necessitated by propriety.
I’m sorry I pressured you for dick pics.
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
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