So the guy sitting next to me is watching dungeons and dragons on youtube. I didnt realize you could get more pathetic than actually playing the game.
all she kept saying was "harder" "mayo" and "who are you"
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
Yeah I fingered her in the crowd and the dj saw it and gave me props over the speakers. I got so many high fives.
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
Sex aside I am really scared about Syria...
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
If it exists, I've probably pregamed it.
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
Randomize
