I'm scared
There's nothing to be scared of. My penis is average size.
That's what I'm afraid of
you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
Steve is enlightening me on how and why u put gerbils up your ass
So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
So currently I have a block of cheese duct taped to my air conditioner in lieu of a fridge.
its taking every last moral i have not to steal this bike
you still have morals?
Well actually itd just be too hard to ride the bike with this large rake i just stole
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
Witnessing a crazy lady on the bus screaming about how romney is one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse.
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
I did all i could do but i woke up smelling like cigars and theres salsa all over my face
okay yeah but you've seen me eat jambalaya naked
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
Randomize