I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
She wants her shit back. Clearly she missed the cheaters-get-their-shit-ritually-burned clause.
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
Repeat the weekend mantra. "I like boys with teeth, I need boys with teeth, I deserve boys with teeth, I will have boys with teeth".
I tried to show my boob for free volcano tacos at taco bell last night. Not boobs. Just boob. The manager wasn't allowing it.
No, I don't just love you because you have big boobs. I just wouldn't visit as often.
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
I've only hooked up with engineers this year and it may be the best future financial decision I've ever made
He's perfect in every other way. Is buying him a cockring too forward or just honest?
He said we had an hour long conversation about how awesome I was.
Bleach your asshole, I'm on my way.
Who is this?!?!
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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