If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
already putting money aside for 4/20. you ready for the greatest tuesday ever?
Then we all started singing, "Our house, in the middle of the street. Our house, fucks a lot of freshman meat". It was magical.
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
Fuck yeah GAYNESS
*explodes into glitter*
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
Sloppy and selfish. Your 27 and you don't know where my clit is? BYEEE
I'm gonna go ahead and say I love our drinking habits but anytime we roundhouse a 750 of Schnapps on the way to a non competitive bowling league we might have problems
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
They were so sore! Either I have bed bugs or you were biting my nipples last night and don't lie to me.
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
I said "one day" and that day is not today
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
Randomize