why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
i just did my hair and make up to walk our dogs.. I hate being the single roommate
Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
We got a kitchen table so we would eat together more. So far we've played drunken monopoly and had sex on it.
Nah I've been there. The worst you'll see is some hobo peeing in a sewer at 3 am on a Saturday
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
I can't believe it is only 1:30...I may have to stab myself with scissors for an excuse to go home...
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
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