I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
this girl literally referred to her butthole as her "back pussy"
My social work teacher just told our class about her bicurios adventures in college
is she hot?
She is now
Don't worry we didnt bang. Sometimes I just bring guys home so I don't order pizza.
Got robbed by knifepoint. Then got sympathy Bj. I might have to walk down Austin ave drunk every weekend
So if you ever need to know a guy who knows a guy who knows a guy that can put a 24oz beer can up his ass... Hit me up...
Since when do you have sex with people you have feelings for?
Dude you don't understand. I genuinely felt his soul's penis in my soul's vagina.
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
My whole sorority girl exterior is just a lie. I'm a fat tumblr girl on the inside.
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
Howd last night go?
well he stumbled in my parents door drunk and then asked my mom if she was my grandma. Id say as far as first impressions go, he failed miserably
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