your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
let's have our labels/stereotypes/careers for each kid by next week.
oh how i love working at summer camp.
...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
they call him Oral-B. enough said
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
He said female orgasms are a myth and refuses to even try to give me one.
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
You kept yelling in my face " YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO SUCK A DICK TONIGHT!"
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
Orientation leader success, day 1: incoming freshman just ate out his first sorority girl. I gave him a 7/10.
I got with him in my watermelon costume so ya you owe me $1
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
Randomize
