I have the worst wedgie. Seriously. Its horible. And there are people everywhere around me.
Slide your hand down the back of your pants and shift to the side slowly
...are you coming on to me?
we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
You can't see him, he's in front of the dildo, but Amelia Earhart is blocking your view.
He spent 6 hours at the ER after crashing a motorcycle and still came to the bar, Ofcourse I went home with him. He's my hero.
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
As far as figuring life out your talking to a guy that's alternating text messages between his baby mama and a drunk bitch I met tailgating. My best advice is don't worry about shit out of your control and always and I really mean ALWAYS wear a condom.
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
No more stories ab the wkend for co-workers... No one else found "and I didn't have pants on when I got home Saturday night" as funny as I did.
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
I just had 3 numbers I don't know text me and remind me I am to attend AA on monday. Im gonna say it was a good night.
Randomize
