My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
Don't worry I'll hold the wheel while you cum
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
Pussy, Peanut Butter Cookies,and Bubble Wrap
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
Just finished 151. Eating nutella off a spoon. Bring condoms.
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
tell raye i said hi and sorry for bleeding on the limes
BUT YOU GOTTA TASTE THE RAINBOW!!
That's what Skittles are for!
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize