pick me up and take me to a bathroom i have to shit
no
the bathroom is right infront of the beerpong table
im sorry you werent invited but you live 2 blocks away PLEASE
You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
dude, your ex-bf is on match.com
details on that.
well, his profile doesn't say anything about herpes.
PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
He needs to respect me before he can fuck me with cat ears on.
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
So I'm sitting at my desk and Thunderstruck came on my iPod. I then proceeded to drink coffee every time I heard thunderstruck. Who says you don't remember anything from college?
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
It's seriously like a finger. But it's a cock. I don't know what to do. I feel like I fuck him to be polite.
Are there edibles for sale in the Denver airport because if so bring those to my mouth
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
I am way to hungover for it to be Thursday.
Randomize
