she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
we were fucking and all I could think about is how my silly bands were glowing in the dark.
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
its like fishing. just send her some cock shots to keep her on the hook then use tequila to reel her in
I STRONGLY considered not bringing that guy home with me last night simply because I'd JUST changed my sheets that morning.
Man, I must say, having known you since preschool, Eiffel-Tower-ing her would've fully completed our journey to brotherhood.
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
I am the sex elephant in the room. Again.
Star Trek does not adequately answer all the questions that I have about alien genitals
His friend still there? Be like "I need to see both of your dicks ASAP"
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
I can't imagine a friend I would rather lose my virginity to in a threesome.
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