I just saw grafitti that read "Mug The Fart Eater". Really, Memphis? That's all you've got?
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
Agreed. Everyone should experience a blackout before 3pm in their lifetime.
The guy I fucked last night is well worth up the ass tuition. I just wish I could tell dad thanks!
he yelled at me for calling the fat girl fat. if I can't call out fat girls to my brother who do i have?
mary just dropped the yahtzee dice in her wine. and shes throwin em like shes on a craps table.
hahahaha slap the bag.
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
Strange request but for my birthday you should get me one of those vibrators that you can plug into your iPod that go along with the music.
I feel like shit, and I can't get the band aids off my nipples.
I was walking back to the dorm and was made fun of for wearing a coat. I'M SORRY I CARE ABOUT MY WELL BEING.
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
So naked ping pong was a mistake... Looks like we were attacked by an octopus.
Randomize
