I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
glow-in-the-dark stars on his ceiling from '98 totally make blowing him more romantic.
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
The first song on his sex mix was "highway to the danger zone"
he thinks the dog can do a keg stand. i will let you know how it turns out
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
So half of us were already throwing up outside when the Ukrainians ask us if we're ready to start partying yet. I love this country.
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
I can guarantee he will smoke me out and I won't feel bad about it because he gets to touch my butt.
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
I think my moral compass just broke
can we fuck so we can live up to our nicknames for eachother?
Randomize
