Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
so apparently telling her she could shit easier and therefore lose weight faster wasn't the best arguement for getting anal.
it was like fucking gandolphs beard
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
Got hereat 8. Had 6 beers 2 shots and a game of diZZY BATOS
I'm getting kicked out of the place we're at. They don't like ketchup on their walls..
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
Some girl woke me up at 1:30 am looking for weed and the next thing I know I'm in a hot tub with 3 girls, 2 40's, and a blunt.
all night she kept rolling over and mumbling something about wanting an extendable retractable urethra.
You're never the same once you're dry humped on the frat house floor
Wait I can't come yet Mr. Brightside is playing
ok i defs just took my shirt off in the middle of a frat party though so keep me updated
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
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