Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
If you are in NYC and not seeing anyone, you should come fucke me now because:1 i am not in love with you anymore, 2 i am drunk enough where i won't feel the n eed to kisx you awardly to avoid your beard, 3we have unfinished business that i wpn't get -assed unyil orgass have been had, 4 i really really want to
She's dressed as Musafa. How could this not be a good idea?
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
Im just saying it can't be that bad if he drove himself to the er. We'll head that way when we finish playing scattergories
I need a vacation from myself..this is duely noted after I tried giving myself a concussion last night
i just remember explaining why my socks were better than everyone elses.
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
I'm just going to lay in a blanket cocoon of self pity for the next few months.
Broeke and glass. I feel so and. Appilogixe in morbing.
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
Randomize
