my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
they said he just opened the front of his shirt and threw up alll over himself
I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
Well I consider my vagina a dear friend. She treats me good I treat her good. We work together. Glad we could be of service.
A nice make out session never hurt anyone. Plus he's a pilot, so he'll know the safety procedures for when the night crashes and burns.
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
hahahaha what do we need the kangaroos for? please tell me we release them instead of doves
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
Is it too soon for me to wonder what sex with him would be like?
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
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