Mines from giving head on hardwood floors.
I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
thanks for being the calm eye of my shit storm.
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
I just compared his sexting to a plate of spaghetti. And he STILL wants to sleep with me.
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
what is considered shitting yourself?
Like my underwear wasn't soiled, but there was definitely a departure from my asshole.
Did you at least know who's jizz it was?
That is questionable.
Randomize
