Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
dude my grandmas the shit. she has a sixth grade education and got hit by a car when she was 18. she cant smell.
my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
yeah. pants. i need to put pants on. i didn't do that last night. big mistake
I had very briefly met him a few years ago. My friend was tired of hearing us both complain about being horny. She figured she would fuck two birds with one stone.
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
Our first kiss happened while shot gunning a hit from a gravity bong. Its that type of relationship.
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
He said something last night about making crepes, but after getting pissed on in bed, I question everything.
I'm at 45 minutes post orgasm, and I still feel my insides spasming. Pretty sure I just fucked Superman.
This is a test message to see whether or not the recipient is alive.
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
Randomize
