I hope you never procreate. Philly is already the ugliest city in the country.
if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
we seriously had to hang a plastic bag on his ears so he could throw up right into it.
If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
It feels like I'm breathing out my heart and it spreads through my limbs to my fingertips.
He held back my hair as I puked, then kindly asked me to slightly move my head over and pissed right next to my face.
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
I've made this amazing blanket/pillow cocoon combo and I am set for life in here.
I just shaved my pubes into a heart shape. if that doesn't scream romantic idk what does
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