I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
rainy day on campus = new personal fetish for girls in booty shorts and colorful rain boots
my brother is about to go smoke a joint outside... he's preparing his munchies on the counter beforehand. I admire his responsibility.
I'm not gonna not go for it, she's foreign and pulled a shotglass out of her thong.
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
I'm trying to make a sex playlist
record yourself crying and put it on a loop.
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
I started rolling down the window so he pulled into a gas station and i puked all over the side of the car while some dude stared at me. I waved and we drove away
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
Randomize
