You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
It's more exciting when they aren't single....and even better when you have to pretend that you just slept with their roommate while trying to do the walk a shame as their girlfriend comes marching into the apt.
Im not the least bit jealous of the life you lead.
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
my sober ride is dancing w/ a fat girl. i might be awhile
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
Did you take the full box of samoas or do I not remember getting baked and eating half a box by myself?
He literally just peed in a trash can in our room. It didn't even have a bag in it
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
You're breaking my sexual little heart
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
I can't be held responsible for another man's penis.
Randomize
