I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
Any of you guys fuck a 16 year old again? Because our front yard got fucked over high school style.
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
Yea dude. I'm gonna be the life of the party. THIS BITCH GETS DRUNK BY HERSELF
By the way I got my period today. No NHL babies for me.
I'm just gonna eat nachos and wine fruit forever.
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
We're making a scrapbook of dick pics, you want in or what?
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
336: Dude I lost my.phone Wednesday night at a party and just found it, three days later, on the lacrosse field....what the actual fuck.
She passed out in my baby sister's room so we put her in one of my grandma's diapers, put a pacifier in her mouth, put her in my sister's crib and took pictures.
Look at us. Planning our business meeting. Including snacks like shrooms & trail mix.
I need mimosas to revive my soul
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