God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
Does this mean you'll turn into an Albanian at the next full moon?
Why would you say my penis is small in front of so many people?
There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
Okay. This morning the comforter was wet, you were underwearless and using a tiny blanket. What'd you do??
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
i wore a power symbol belly button ring just so i can drunkenly tell him that he turns me on. i dont care if it works i think its classy
The whole bar erupted and in happiness and confusion as I went on about pancakes.
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
He's really cute...He stopped talking to me because i pulled my skirt up and peed in a demi plie position...
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
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