Thanks for stranding me with th douchebag award recipients
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
making your facebook status TEQUILA is like basically saying "im easy tonight. feel free to take advantage"
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
We are cuddling. She is so cute when she is too high to be a loud bitch.
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
We could be the people that go there! Shuffleboard n shit. Meet strippers.
You had me at shuffleboard and strippers
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
I need to immerse myself in a tub of peroxide to kill whatever traces of him are on me.
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
Sex while Star Warsing is the best
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
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