If she's not going to maintain the upkeep of her vag then I'm not going to pay the rent of being her boyfriend
i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
I can hear my fat mexican neighbor yelling "do you like that!" ...I hope its not his dog
I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
I'm just high and in my robe and I would suck a dick for some pizza rolls. I can't talk about your problems right now
He was wearing a tux and a big sombrero so it automatically made the flute he was playing totally cool
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
I need an inhaler full of pot for all of this breathless rage.
The guy I blew last night was pierced in multiple places. I had to use extra caution to avoid my temporary filling.
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
I feel like you're the sexual bearcat I've always wanted to be.
He's really cute...He stopped talking to me because i pulled my skirt up and peed in a demi plie position...
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