my orientation roommate looks just like New York of Flavor Flav fame
i just got so high i needed a buddy system to the kitchen
Fun Fact: The stage were about to graduate on is where we once drove a van and kidnapped someone.
Fun Fact 2: My parents are sitting by the bushes I peed in this weekend.
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
IF CHARLIE SCHEEN CAN DO IT I CAN DO IT IM A PROFESSONAL
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
Someone just told me I have an ass that could kill small children .... Don't know how to take that one
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
Fell twice in five points. on my face. literally during a cross walk. The cars just went around me. 21st birthday memories right there
people keep driving by and judging me for drinking natty outside in my underwear at 9 am. rude.
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
So you just held his hand and he fucking came...?
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
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