Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
I just figured you know how to drive a boat and I know how to get drunk. What can go wrong
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!
Or stump rather since he's possibly large. Large penises don't have tips, just blunt ends of battering rams.
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
I think I died last night.
Yeah, you got carried home
He says we're "annoying" but that's an odd word to describe a couple of heroic liquor saiyans
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
If she "comes out" to me I guess I'll high five her. That's pretty much my response to everything these days.
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
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