everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
I am seriously considering thanking Macallan 18 in my thesis acknowledgments.
well what is some mechanical horse racing with out blow involved
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
First roommate to find me and dance with me will live. Battle Royale.
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
just pleasured myself to USA hockey beating Russia in the shoot out. god bless America.
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
Worst way to find out I have a half sister
It was a fun night. I made out with the door guy at the gay bar but he didn't speak english
There was no door guy at the bar
Pornhub is actually a very wholesome website
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
I cannot believe I am seriously having a conversation about my best friend's sexual prowess as a dream lesbian.
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
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