I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
So you know how craigslist used to have an "erotica" section? And how after you click on a link it changes a darker color? And how Dad stays up really late most nights?
Oh god... well at least he's gettin some. Mom's a prude.
I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
Making the executive decision for drunk you to not sleep in the lofted bed that has no ladder
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
2nd night home for break and we had to call the fire department to keep the house from burning down. At this rate I'll be lucky to see you next semester.
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
Bored at work. googling vodka waffles.
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
After passing out at the kitchen table, you woke up in my parents bed in between them. With no pants on.
I'm sorry I walked in on you guys, but all I heard from outside was her screaming "Dive, dive!". Sex was my last guess for what was going on in there.
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