I got "discovered a new religion high" last night
I just did the math. 30.36% of girls I've slept with have cheated on a significant other while doing it.
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
the doctor said its the kinda of pregnant you dont recover from
Well were gunna have to wash the couch cover now...maybe even the couch, soap or fire your decision
I'm doing homework tonight but if you end up going out drinking I would like one courtesy peer pressure text.
I just don't do feelings in the summer months.
some people popped out of a houseboat and asked us to their party. their houseboat IS A WEEDBOAT. it is full of weed they grow weed. EVERYWHERE.
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
mom had to come pick me up from the hotel. I crawled to her car. She told me the entire way home if I puked in it I was going to lick it up. Like high school all over again...
bought even stevens on dvd and enough weed and pizza bagels to last us a week.. ready to get snowed in?
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
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