He's been dead since March and more people write on his wall than mine.
His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here.
Hahaha I asked him about her bjs and he said "I would not wish that on anyone"
Woke up with a raging boner...good feeling abt this trial
I just want to steal his innocence through his penis. I really do.
I could really do without pictures of your asses in my inbox. That said, I'm extremely jealous that I wasn't involved.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
Just visited the liquor store.... for the 4th time today. shits gonna get weird
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
if there is one thing you splurge on it better be nice condoms
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
Trust no bitch in laser tag. Not a single one.
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
He's such a neat freak that he started making the bed while I was still laying on it naked. He succeed in case you were wondering.
It felt like I was on painkillers mixed with Molly mixed with the sinking feeling I'll die alone. 10/10 doing again.
Randomize
