I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
he doesn't drink and he's an emt - he'll be our dd for nye in exchange for a threesome tomorrow afternoon.
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
I can only take thier stupid "I think beauty school is for me" routine so long until I have to bitch slap them with some knowledge
You will never know an awkward moment until your parents pick you up from a one night stand.
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
Naw man, if he's crazy enough to jerk off on a public bus he's too crazy for me to fuck with
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
He was gunna drive a half hour for a makeout sesh. Time to take the diapers off and learn about the wonders of the penis, dude
Good god, my descendants are going to be fucked.
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.
So what your saying is you dont remember trying to hit a golf ball off my chest with a 9 iron?
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
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