I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
dude I heard her through my door. She sounded like you were holding her head under water and they letting her up for air. I recorded that shit
Cumming on a girls face is guy code for you're not wife material.
im not sure if this headache is from the car accident or cocaine withdrawl
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
I can't believe they didnt cut us off after we all hugged each other and started singing "were the 3 best friends that anybody could have" RIGHT IN FRONT of the bar and bartender...
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
I've started a list of places i want to drink. To go along with the list of places i want to have sex. Lincoln's log cabin is on both.
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
I'm in love. Her name is Jamie. She's beautiful. She punched me in the face.
Randomize
